If you’re on a healing journey, chances are you’ve come face-to-face with self-sabotage. That frustrating loop where just when you feel like you’re making progress, boom—you find yourself backtracking. Sound familiar? You’re not alone. And guess what? It’s not your fault.
Seriously, self-sabotage isn’t some flaw in your character or a lack of willpower. It’s not laziness or failure. It’s your nervous system and your unconscious mind doing what they think is keeping you safe, on autopilot.
So… What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage happens when part of you wants to move forward, and another part slams on the brakes. That part isn’t trying to ruin your life—it’s likely trying to protect you based on old, outdated stories or survival strategies. Maybe it’s your inner 7-year-old who learned that being too visible brought pain. Or your teen self who found it safer to shrink than to shine.
These parts of us act out of loyalty to the past, not cruelty in the present.
How to Begin Healing Self-Sabotage
Healing starts with compassion. Not hustle, not discipline—compassion. That includes being kind to the parts of you that still act out of fear, doubt, or exhaustion. Here are a few beautiful ways you can start shifting the energy:
1. Start With Self-Compassion
Be as kind to yourself as you would to your best friend. Notice the self-critical voice when it shows up, but don’t let it steer the ship. Try asking, “What does this part of me need right now?” instead of “What’s wrong with me?”
A little curiosity goes a long way.
2. Try Inquiry Practices
Journaling, meditation, or even five quiet minutes with your thoughts can help you notice what’s bubbling underneath your self-sabotaging behaviors. Often, it’s fear, grief, or unmet needs trying to get your attention. Give those parts a safe space to speak.
3. Explore Your Internal Family System (IFS)
IFS is a powerful therapeutic model that sees us as made up of many “parts”—some wounded, some protective, some wise. It helps you understand the internal tug-of-war you often feel. If you’ve ever felt like one part of you wants change while another clings to comfort, you’ve experienced this system in action. Many therapists (including those at our practice!) are trained in IFS and can help you navigate this gently.
4. Reconnect With Your Inner Child
That younger version of you? They’re still in there—and they need your love. Self-sabotage often stems from unmet childhood needs. When you pause and nurture that inner child—listen to them, comfort them—you start healing those old wounds from the inside out.
5. Practice Reparenting
Reparenting means giving yourself what you didn’t get back then: emotional support, safety, consistency, care. It’s about showing up for yourself daily, like a loving parent would. Over time, this builds an inner foundation strong enough to hold the adult life you’re trying to build.
6. Learn Self-Regulation
Emotions can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re triggered. Learning simple practices like deep breathing, grounding, or even moving your body mindfully can help soothe your nervous system. It’s like teaching your inner child that it’s safe to stay, feel, and move through things, without blowing everything up.
You’re Not Broken. You’re Becoming.
Let’s get one thing straight: you’re not broken. You’re not a lost cause. You’re just human—and healing.
Self-sabotage is not the enemy. It’s a signal. A call inward. An invitation to slow down, get curious, and reconnect with the parts of you that learned to protect you in messy, sometimes painful ways.
The good news? You can rewrite the story. Bit by bit. And you don’t have to do it alone.