One of the promises I made to myself this year was to write a weekly blog post. Yet here I was, staring at the looming deadline with nothing but scattered notes. And then, I heard her—the familiar rustling in the background. My inner critic was preparing to speak.
We all have one. That voice in our head rushes in with doubt, worry, and harsh judgments. It scolds us for not being prepared, fuels our fear of failure, and reminds us of every past mistake.
Moments of uncertainty, the discomfort of something new, or the pressure to meet a goal can awaken this inner critic, turning our thoughts against us. And too often, we speak to ourselves in ways we would never speak to a friend.
The real challenge is that when we criticize ourselves, we take on two roles at once—the attacker and the attacked. This internal battle only fuels stress and self-doubt.
What we truly need in these moments isn’t more criticism but compassion. Self-compassion acts as a counterbalance, activating our brain’s built-in caregiving system, which soothes and reassures us. It helps quiet the inner critic, not through force, but through understanding.
Self-Compassion Is Not Self-Pity
Many worry that practicing self-compassion means letting themselves off the hook when they fall short.
But self-compassion is none of these things.
It is the antidote to self-pity. When we practice self-compassion, we approach challenges without harsh self-judgment, making it easier to reflect, learn, and take action. Instead of getting stuck in cycles of guilt or self-criticism, we create space for growth.
A little self-compassion can go a long way.
The Three Elements of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend, colleague, or loved one. If you wouldn’t say something to a friend, why say it to yourself?
1. Be Kind to Yourself Instead of Self-Critical
No one enjoys criticism, and that includes self-criticism. When we judge ourselves harshly, we trigger a threat response—causing us to shut down, avoid, or defend rather than learn and grow. Self-compassion, on the other hand, calms this response.
Research shows that individuals who respond to failures with self-compassion—rather than self-criticism—are actually more motivated to improve their performance. By reducing stress and defensiveness, self-compassion helps us move forward with clarity rather than getting stuck in self-doubt.
2. Recognise That Imperfection Is a Shared Human Experience
Life doesn’t always go as planned. We all face setbacks, make mistakes, and have shortcomings. Self-compassion helps us see that imperfection isn’t a personal failing—it’s part of being human.
In my course, we often talk about embracing our “perfectly imperfect” nature. Rather than isolating ourselves in self-judgment, we can recognise that everyone struggles at times. This sense of shared humanity builds resilience, allowing us to adjust and keep going rather than getting lost in self-doubt.
Studies show that self-compassion protects self-esteem by reducing the tendency to compare ourselves to others or dwell on perceived failures. Instead of feeling alone in our struggles, we gain perspective and perseverance.
3. See Challenges Clearly—Without Exaggerating or Ignoring Them
Self-compassion isn’t about denying mistakes or pretending everything is fine. Rather, it helps us acknowledge difficulties without judgment so we can respond with wisdom instead of fear.
When we practice self-compassion, we send ourselves the message: I care about my well-being. I deserve to heal and move forward. This shift fosters emotional resilience, making it easier to recover from setbacks.
Decades of research confirm that self-compassion is linked to greater happiness, optimism, and well-being.
Bringing Self-Compassion Into Everyday Life
Self-compassion is a skill that anyone can develop. A simple but powerful exercise is noticing the language we use when we make a mistake. Even something as small as spilling a glass of milk can trigger negative self-talk.
Try This Exercise:
The next time you make a mistake—whether it’s a minor mishap or something more significant—pause before criticizing yourself. Instead of saying, I’m so clumsy, stupid, or unorganized (or whatever harsh label comes to mind), shift your language. Describe the situation without judgment, just as you would if you were comforting a friend.
Self-compassion isn’t about making excuses—it’s about creating a stronger foundation for growth, resilience, and well-being.
Try this small shift in perspective, and let me know how it works for you. I’d love to hear your thoughts!